At my brother-in-law's behest, I asked my family doctor about it the other day when I was in for a regular checkup. Although dubious, she went ahead and ordered (yet another) blood test, as well as something called a fecal fat test. The blood could be done in the office, but for the other thing I had to go to a lab and get a take-home kit.
The lab worker started to bring the kit out to me, but when she saw there were other people in the waiting room she had me come with her behind a closed door. I figured the kit would be like one of those smear tests you do to screen for colon cancer. Instead, what I got is what you see here:
I laughed. "A paint can??" I said. "Basically ... yes," said the woman, trying to keep a straight face but not really succeeding. She admonished me to follow the instructions carefully, make sure nothing gets on the outside of the container and bring the Pail o' Poop back to the lab when it's ready.
"Boy, I hope I don't get confused and accidentally paint my dining room with the contents of that can," I said.
"Yeah," she said. "That's a brown you don't want."
So off I went with my bilge bucket to my lovely wife, who was waiting for me in the truck. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. "I gotta poop into a paint can!" said I. We sat there and laughed hysterically for several minutes while she read the instructions aloud:
PATIENT PREPARATION FOR COLLECTING STOOL FOR FECAL FAT
Adult patients should be on a standard diet containing 50-150g of fat per day for at least 3 days before test is started and during the 72-hour collection. ... The patient should not have had mineral oil as a laxative prior to specimen collection. Refrigerate specimen during collection and store at 2-8 degrees C.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR SUBMITTING STOOL FOR FECAL FAT
1. Can must contain fecal matter only (i.e., NO urine, toilet paper, diapers, plastic bags, cups, etc.). IF OBJECTS OTHER THAN FECAL MATTER ARE PLACED IN CONTAINER, SAMPLE WILL BE REJECTED.
2. Seal can by hammering lid down securely.
3. Place white plastic ARMLOK ring around can lid and press down with thumbs to "snap" seal.
CANS CANNOT BE SUBMITTED WITHOUT WHITE PLASTIC ARMLOK RING.
4. Do not punch holes in lid.
5. Indicate below collection time:
__ 72 hour collection
__ 48 hour collection
__ 24 hour collection
__ other __ hour collection
6. DO NOT FILL CAN OVER 2/3 FULL. Use additional cans, if necessary, and indicate this information here: CAN #__ of ___ cans collected. (ex.: can #2 of 3 cans)
7. Place can in leak-proof bag containing absorbent sheet and seal bag.
Brings a whole new meaning to "going to the can."
"Refrigerate specimen during collection and store at 2-8 degrees C."
ReplyDeleteNot in MY refrigerator you're not! Sounds like a good time to check out those restaurants we have been thinking of checking into.
Too funny! In my last comment I said I hoped you'd be regular at blogging. Now I just hope you'll be regular! But not too regular; can't surpass the 2/3 line.
ReplyDeleteYeah Todd, we don't want to have to go back and get a second can! LOL
ReplyDelete