I been knowin' it

Now who's going to pray for me?

If you know me, you know I'm a pretty fervent believer in Jesus Christ. What you may not know is that Sister Dorothy Johnson, who graduated to heaven last weekend, has been one of the greatest influences on my relationship with my Savior.

Soon after my salvation experience (another story for another time), Roxanna and I joined The House of the Lord, where Pastor Dennis Butts Sr. invited us to join a Wednesday noon care group. There we became part of a family that included Pastor Butts, Sis. Lucille Henley, Michelle Bender, Mary Bianconi, David Benson, Sis. Joyce Finley-Jackson, Sis. Pat Murray, and this scrawny little VA nurse who was always the first to arrive.

Every time a bell rings ...

The other day I stated on Facebook that I was having a George Bailey moment. My good friend Mary Beth astutely asked, "Before or after he discovers the bloody lip?" "Right about then," was my reply.

Let me explain.

Ever since I was about 12 years old, I have suffered periodic bouts of depression. It was never diagnosed until I was in my 30s. Toward the end of 2009 it came back with a vengeance, and I've been praying, working and medicating to fight it off ever since. 

They say that significant life events can trigger depressive episodes, and like anyone, I'd had my share of those in recent times: a job change; a big move; a serious health scare; the death of a close friend; the sickness and death of my father-in-law; the death of a pet; a separation from my beloved goddaughter; a difficult relationship with a supervisor; witnessing a series of disasters. Any one or two of these would have been plenty, thank you. 

Many of those things just have to be grieved, and that is simply a function of time and allowing yourself to feel your feelings. (The best thing anyone said to me after my mother died in 1998 came from my close friend Tony, who said, "Just feel what you feel, man. Feel what you feel.")

© Liberty Films

It can be helpful to write a letter to the lost person or thing, sharing everything you feel, good, bad or neutral. Read the letter out loud to another person, someone you trust and who won't comment or judge, but just listen. If you don't have such a person, a pet or a teddy bear will do.

It's a hard life being at once a Christian, an optimist, a liberal and a journalist. You want to see and hope for the best in people and society, but the evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. You trust in a loving and benevolent God, but you witness daily a corrupt and hateful world. You feel strongly motivated to reach out and help "the least of these," but the sheer quantity of them is paralyzing.

War, crime, cruelty, hatred, selfishness, greed, wastefulness, irresponsibility -- all of these are failings of humanity and are to be expected because we are a fallen race. That doesn't mean we have to like them, or accept them, or even overcome them. One thing we can do is pray for humanity, pray that the light of God's love will drive out the darkness of the world. It's frustrating to realize that this change has to happen one soul at a time.

Aaaaand ... we're back

Well hello!

After a three-year hiatus, I'm blogging again. I used to write a blog called The Freakin' Deacon; I've imported all of that blog's content to this one so you can find all my foolish ramblings in one place.

The purpose of the original blog was to chronicle my journey through what was shaping up to be a long, drawn-out health challenge having to do with some anomalous blood tests. If you follow the old posts, you'll see that all turned out fine, thanks to your prayers and God's grace.

I quit blogging three years ago because of two primary factors: First, I had discovered Facebook and found it to be much more satisfying because of the interactive element. I got immediate reactions to things I wrote, I seemed to be reaching a much larger audience, and I liked the way it allowed me to connect with people I might never encounter otherwise. All of this is still true, but a blog may be a better format for expressing some things that cross my mind. In other words, I can write longer here.

Second, and probably more important, toward the end of 2009 (when I stopped blogging) I fell into a precipitous spiral of depression and anxiety that nearly destroyed me. This illness severely affected my job performance, and I came dangerously close to losing my job before I got help.

I'm not clear of this sickness yet, but I am much, much better now than I have been at any time since this all began. On those days when the depression is at its worst, I feel as if I'm enveloped in a thick fog that clouds my vision, my hearing, my thinking and my feeling. Nothing makes sense, and I can see no solutions.

Yet through it all, perhaps because I've been through it before, I've remained confident in the Lord my God, that through the sacrifice of Jesus the Christ, the ministry of the Holy Spirit and the overwhelming, overcoming love of my wife and others among God's people, I would eventually emerge from this victorious.

That's the genesis of the new name of this blog. I'm still experiencing that fog occasionally, but even on those dark days I know someone loves me, someone is pulling for me, someone is keeping me from drowning. I know deep down inside that I have another, greater F.O.G. -- the Favor of God.
In addition, I no longer am a member of the church where I was a deacon, so the name didn't fit anymore for that reason too. (I am an usher at my current church, but "Ushering in the fog" just didn't work for me.)

I want to thank several women in my life who have helped make my blog resurrection possible. First and foremost is My Lovely Wife, Roxanna, who has been unfailingly steadfast in her love, compassion and understanding through this entire ordeal. I love you so much. I also want to thank my sister Sheila, who has taken up the torch from our mother and frequently urges me to keep writing. Thanks also to friend and colleague Sari Zeidler, who brainstormed possible blog names with me. And thanks to CNN writers Stephanie Gallman and Kat Kinsman, whose brave writings about their own depression have encouraged me to accept mine for what it is and emboldened me to be transparent about it.

I hope you find this new blog to be interesting, thought-provoking, encouraging, and sometimes funny.

I also hope it doesn't take another three years to come up with my next topic.